Making Others Feel Heard

Introduction

Everyone has found themself in a situation in which they are trying to talk to someone who is not listening, or at least does not seem to be. It is frustrating, hurtful, and sometimes angering. In most cases, however, the offense is not intentional– in fact, most people have caused this same frustration in someone else. So, how does one go about avoiding this behavior? Four necessary skills come into play when it comes to making others feel heard. 

Empathy

In order to make others feel heard, the first and perhaps most important step is to exhibit empathy. It is surely a word we have all heard, but what is it, and how does it differ from sympathy? The dictionary describes sympathy as “the act or state of feeling sorrow or compassion for another”, and empathy as “the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the emotions, thoughts, or attitudes of another”. The greatest difference between the two lies in understanding: the empathizer understands what another is feeling, whereas the sympathizer merely acknowledges it. Empathy is an important tool in understanding how others are feeling and why, even if they do not state these things outright. 

Active Listening

The second important factor in making others feel heard is active listening. Active listening means paying attention not just to the words the other person says, but also to their tone, body language, facial expressions, et cetera. This also includes giving someone the time of day, a safe environment in which to express themself, and your full attention. To listen actively to someone, you must be prepared to tune out all distractions, both external and internal: these can include external sounds, thoughts of other things, or even beginning to formulate a response before the other person has finished speaking. Active listening means not interpreting what the other party says in a way that is defensive or selective, but rather confirming what they are expressing or feeling when you are unsure. Both verbal and nonverbal ques are also helpful in active listening.

Reflection

Reflection is another tool that is useful for reassuring others. Reflection means repeating the gist of what the other person says as you understand it back to them. This not only helps you to understand them better, but reassures them that you have an interest in what they have to say. This method includes reframing and paraphrasing, summarizing, and affirming their feelings. Reflection is meant to help the speaker examine their feelings about a situation– it is commonly implemented by counselors and therapists. 

Probing

The final step in making others feel heard is probing. Probing is not always necessary, but if you feel the other person has further unexplored thoughts or feelings about a situation, it can prove helpful in uncovering these. Probing simply means asking questions to find out more– these questions can be direct or indirect, but it is generally best to avoid closed-ended (“yes or no”) questions. You want the things you ask to prompt further discussion, so think about your questions before asking them. Ideally, probing leads to discussion, and discussion can sometimes lead to confrontation. This is not always necessarily a negative thing: sometimes, confrontation is necessary. However, if it does arise, be sure to remain non-judgemental and respectful. It is also best to avoid confrontation until you have established a certain level of rapport with the individual you are confronting; if you do not know them well enough, they may feel that you are overstepping, as opposed to seeing you as a friend giving helpful advice. 

Conclusion

Assuring others that you are listening to them is a particularly important skill for attorneys, though everyone can benefit from learning how to utilize the skills mentioned. These techniques can also prove helpful when de-escalation becomes necessary. Remain open, respectful, and engaged when conversing with or listening to someone, and you will more quickly gain rapport with them, and succeed in making them feel heard.